Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
