I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just tell him i said nine months
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
