Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
