I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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