i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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