last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
