I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
