I met the friendliest cop last night
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
