So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
