ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
