I'm gonna have a badass scar
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
