New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
