"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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