it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
