So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
