My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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