I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
