I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
