i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
