he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
