sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
