Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
