I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
