Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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