Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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