"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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