Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
