Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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