I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
