Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
