I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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