the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
