Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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