i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
