I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
