sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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