Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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