its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
