i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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