the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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