I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
