i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
