oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
