haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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