OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
