is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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