I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
