he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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