plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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