Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
