listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
