Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
