why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
